i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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