I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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