she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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