If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize