turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize