He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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