Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
