I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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