how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
