You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
