dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize