i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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