I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
