Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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