I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
