Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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