sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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