Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
