I'm going to jail i love you
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
