the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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