The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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