the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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