Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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