who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
