Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
