Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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