i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
