the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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