Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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