wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
