I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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