I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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