I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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