Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
