I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
