I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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