At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
