Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
