hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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