Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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