I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
