Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
