I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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