My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize