why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
