I heard we made out
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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