At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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