she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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