whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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