how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
