DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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