she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
