I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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