I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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