I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
