So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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