And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
