3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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