and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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