My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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