There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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