OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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