Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
