you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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