Can i not drive my cunt home
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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